Hi Everyone,

  As we wait for the call to go back to Moscow we thought we would use this time to share some information with all of ya'll. I found this letter on another blog and have borrowed and personalized  it with permission from the original author. I think it really helps explain why things will be a little different when we bring baby "A" home compared to bringing home a newborn. Please feel free to ask us any questions you might have.

Dear Friends and Family:

   Very soon, we’ll be bringing little baby “A” home and starting the process of becoming a new and bigger family. This is an exciting and scary time for all of us, especially for her. In her short life, our daughter has gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. She will soon experience the loss of everything familiar and comforting to her, such as her caretakers and the other children from her group in the baby house she has grown up with. In addition she will lose the sights, smells, and language of her birth country. She will have no idea why these strangers, however friendly they might be, are taking her away from everything she has ever known. Her world will turn upside down. She will be disoriented and confused. She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs.

   The process of learning to trust that we are the two adults in her world who will always be there to care for her is called attachment. You know that building trust is hard, it takes a lot of time and a lot of work. It gets easier over time, but things are going to be a little strange at first and we ask that you please understand and respect what’s happening. We are not closing ya’ll out, as ya’ll are the most important people in our lives. But she needs to have boundaries in place to develop a strong and healthy attachment to us.

Physical Boundaries

   It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with her. This will mean (for a while) that things like holding, hugging and kissing need to come from just the two of us. If she does come up to you asking for attention or affection we request that you please gently redirect her to Mom or Dad. Children from orphanages are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone (this is great strategy in an orphanage but not wonderful for a normal family life). Unfortunately, this disrupts her ability to attach to us. Waving, blowing kisses or sitting on the floor playing with her are all perfectly appropriate and welcomed! She should know that ya’ll are our trusted friends and family.

Caretaking

   She has had to rely on a stream of different adults to meet her needs. She’s learned that she has to compete for the attention of every adult she sees to get basic things like food, clothing, blankets and comfort. Charming every available adult becomes a survival technique. While that might work in an orphanage, it’s dangerous in our world. It’s not safe for her to ask random strangers for a hug. In order for her to learn healthy, appropriate boundaries with strangers, she has to begin by learning that we are the two people responsible for meeting her needs. For a while, we need to be the only ones to hand her food or drinks and comfort her when she gets hurt. If she asks you for something, please ask us. For a while, it will look like we’re spoiling her. As she learns that we are her parents (which hopefully will just take a few months if we are consistent from the beginning), it will then become OK to treat her just like our other ones.

Discipline

   Because of her experiences, she might have learned that adults are scary and unreliable. A gentle scolding can feel like a ton of bricks to her. Discipline will be very tricky. Just as it is important for her to understand who her caretakers are, she needs to learn that we (and not every adult she sees) are her authority figures to be trusted, not to hurt her and yet still hold her to a standard.

Thank You

Thank you for understanding and supporting us in this amazing, but challenging time! If you have any questions please ask us, we know this is different than what you are used to.

Christy and Shawn